The weather outside is frightful...and then I read some C.S. Lewis

I'm reading C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves. This book is ridiculous. In the midst of the confusion of our world. The friendships, relationships, familial ties that bind us all, confuse us all, and at times leave us wondering - well, me at least - were laid out in the daylight for me in this book.

Lewis classifies different parts of love as Need-love and Gift-love (aka Appreciative-love). Then he lays out the four different types of love he has seen in life. I was a little bit skeptical as to whether it would be correct and comprehensive - there are so many emotions that run through us humans.

But, not including a few real-life scenarios Lewis uses that I haven't encountered, I think he hit the nail on the head. There is Affection, the love you show for people who are placed in your life through circumstances (family, co-workers etc.) There is Friendship, the most unnatural (though more closely divine) of the loves because you chose it and it is not biologically natural and necessary for life. There is Eros, romantic love that overtakes and binds two people together in appreciation simply for who that person is. Each of these loves deserves a book all its own. It's overwhelming. There is also a chapter on Charity love...which I haven't read yet, so we'll save that for another day.

Throughout, one thing is evident to me - love is so easily twisted from divine to demonic. All these loves make up the love God IS. We see only a shadow of His loving reality. But we also twist that shadowy love - into something unholy, something gross.

"The natural loves are not self-sufficient. Something else, at first vaguely described as "decency and common sense," but later revealed as goodness, and finally as the whole Christian life in one particular relation, must come to the help of mere feeling if the feeling is to be kept sweet."

Love in and of itself, in our dark world, will easily be twisted into something not of God. It becomes a perversion with our constant care - without our eyes set on the Author of love itself.

"To say this is not to belittle the natural loves but to indicate where their real glory lies. It is no disparagement to a garden to say that it will not fence and weed itself, nor prune its own fruit trees, nor roll and cut its own awns. A garden is a good thing but that is not the sort of goodness it has. It will remain a garden, as distinct from a wilderness, only if someone does all these things to it. Its real glory is of quite a different kind. The very fact that it needs constant weeding and pruning bears witness to that glory. It teems with life. It glows with colour and smells like heaven and puts forward at every hour of a summer day beauties which man could never have created and could not even, on his own resources, have imagined."

Yet, our personal efforts to learn how to love better pale in comparison. All my personal actions and efforts to live "morally" are dust without the light of the one Love, the God who is himself Love. When He loves me, I know more what it means to love well and rightly.

"When God planted a garden, He set a man over it and set the man under Himself. When He planted the garden of our nature and caused the flowering, fruiting loves to grow there, He set our will to "dress" them...and unless His grace comes down, like the rain and the sunshine, we shall largely use this tool to little purpose...While we hack and prune we know very well that what we are hacking and pruning is big with a splendor and vitality which our rational will could never of itself have supplied. To liberate that splendor, to let it become fully what it is trying to be, to have tall trees instead of tangles, and sweet apples instead of crabs, is part of our purpose."

So I can't just live however I feel, influenced by the tainted shadow of love I know. I must play by the rules of the One who made love, spending my time pruning my human love to allow it to shine like His love - freeing it to sprout and grow and bring forth fruit like He intended.

In short, love itself is not self-sustaining. It quickly becomes gross. Yet, it IS beautiful and important. Love shouldn't be shunned in fear. It is worthy of our acceptance - of love's emotions and stirrings in our hearts - as long as we have our eyes set on Love itself, the God who is love. Embrace the love we feel, but also watch it, polish it, safeguard it from distortion, set it out in the light to gleam.

It's Christmas eve, and that means if I write something tonight it should tie into the holiday.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son."

Thank you, Heavenly Father. Amen.

Adding It Up

I was asking God what to do, like I do a lot of the time. I wanted answers about what decisions to make. I do my best to be faithful to Him and prayerful in everything. So, yet again, I was going throughout my day throwing up prayers and waiting for Him to hit something back to me. I was attentive and ready for His response - we play a nice little game of catch.

But I didn't get an answer right away. Instead, He waited until I was positioned for a real-life scenario lesson.

I'd been having fun all night with friends. But, He'd been tugging on me - asking me to spend time with just Him. And I said I'd do it the next morning or sometime more convenient because right now I was having fun. We were watching a movie. I was busy.

Then one of my good friends came back from time with Him and told me about it. About how He'd blessed her and gotten her attention and hadn't let her go. She joined us for the movie, but only after she'd spent time with the Lord. Again, He said, "Come spend time with me because this movie really isn't that important; this isn't really fellowship; come fellowship with Me."

So I got alone and had some Jesus time. Immediately, He laid it out for me like a puzzle, but not a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, more like a 100 piece kids puzzle with pictures of Disney characters.

He showed me Luke 14:25-35. And He said, "This is your answer."

"Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."

No holds barred. Nothing held back.

And then the He spoke to my heart through His Spirit.

"Lauren, you say you want to know me better - you want to understand my heart. You ask to love me more and love my children more. You say you want to fear me more. You believe I have the Truth and there is no true life without it."

"Yes, Lord. I mean those things."

"What you're really asking is to be my disciple. That's what all this stuff means."

"Yes! You're right 1 + 1 = 2. And I am asking to be Your disciple."

"Well, here is the cost, add it up and understand what it means. Be sure you can pay it - you can give it all."

This is when it gets scary, because the cost is great. Hate my own mother and father? Hate myself? Die to myself...fully - no more pride, jealousy, desires of my sinful flesh. I already knew I had to die to myself and I'd done it in small ways, but now He was giving me some real situations and telling me is was time to play in the major leagues.

*deep breath*

Okay, yes, this is worth it. I've known You too well already to ever turn back. I'm too in love with You to decide You're not worth it. Even the faint shadow of You I'm privileged to experience is enough to tell me - this cost is cheap compared to what You really deserve. I'll give You what I can, if You can use what I have to offer.

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’

“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples."

"I'm serious, Lauren."

"I know, and I am too. Just help me along, okay?"

So for the hundredth time I say "yes." Every little "yes" adds up and makes it possible for Him to bring His kingdom. This time, though, the "yes" has some baggage attached to it - things I know I need to do because I said yes.

“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out"

Then He shows me John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

"No matter where I take you, I am always there. You are not an orphan."

And the brunt force of that statement smacks me in the face, but not like a cold bucket of water, more like a warm, soothing bath of sweet honey, because I realize...I would be an orphan. Because of how much my heavenly Father is to me, I would be an orphan in this world without Him.

"Thank you, Lord, for not leaving me an orphan. Thank you for all the joy you overwhelm me with. Thank you for your peace and comfort. Thank you for your love and holiness."

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

I have ears. I want to hear more.

It's been a while...

I'm not prepared to put the last month into words quite yet. But I realized I hadn't posted in a month so I wanted to write a little something.

"And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the spirit and Power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared." Luke 1:16-17

"Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:19-20

That's all I have to say.

Scattered thoughts on my mind

"In the darkness, God's light shines. Christ forever glorified."

-In the hard times, the struggles, and the pains, tears, wounds, praise the Lord, for He IS good. He is holy. He is the source of all that is beautiful.

Sometimes you just have to LET IT BE.


<-- Not so much this.

<-- More like this

John 4:1-24
Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

The Lord says: Now, and even more in the future, my children will worship me in spirit and truth -- with my Holy Spirit and my Word. The most real, full life one can lead is to to have the foundation of your life in the Word of my Lord, and be intimate with Him through His Spirit.

What do we hold back from God? Better yet, what boxes do we keep ourselves in?

Are you meant to go to college just because that's what you always thought you would do? Are you meant to get married just because that's what is the normal way society works, because it's expected, because you want to? Are you supposed to go into full-time, career ministry because you've always thought that's how God uses people best? Are you meant to get a job with a growing company because you want security and your parents did that?

Where do we get our ideas of what our lives are supposed to look like? Do we get that picture from ourselves, our desires? From the society we live in (a society that does not acknowledge the Lord)? From what the "normal" Christian life looks like?

Read the New Testament and meet the normal Christian life...
-Hearing from God in tangible ways.
-Sacrificing your life for His kingdom
-Prophesying over God's children, receiving His word for other people and through it giving encouragement, comfort and support.
-Being anointed with His Spirit.
-Actively listening for the Lord to tell you when to move and what to do, being His hands and feet.
-Praying His heart, His desires instead of our own.
-The normal Christian life is not marrying unless you must and He tells you to.
-PURSUING God and His gifts as if its all you were made to do...because it is.

Live in the FULLNESS of what the Lord wants you to have.

Cheryl Beckett

This applies to everything, but I've got a couple examples

Meaning makes things stronger.

When there is purpose in my relationships, they are stronger - automatically, without words, it just becomes a stronger, better relationship. I don't have to say "you're my best friend" or "I love you" in order to lay it out in clear terms. I don't have to say "I care about you more now than I used to" or "I feel like our bond is stronger now than it used to be." Instead, as I seek the Lord's face in relationships...as we talk about Him and our purpose in Him; as we encourage and build each other up, indeed how the church should, we find more purpose and depth in our interactions. Without words, we mutually know that we each care about each other deeply.

When my emotions are shallow and based on circumstances, they are still very real, but when my emotions are based on meaningful things they are much stronger. So in one situation I would be happy because I get to go on vacation. But in comparison, when I am joyful because the Lord has just given me more of a revelation of His love, or because a friend just believed in the Lord, I am filled to OVERFLOWING with joy that can't be overshadowed.

When I cry because my feelings have been hurt, it's not the same as when I cry because I see someone the way the Lord sees them and they are so far from Him. I could cry a huge amount of tears when I've been hurt by someone and my heart is heavy. But even if I only shed a couple tears over someone that is lost or hurting, my heart is torn and instead of a little weight it is completely crushed. Complete emotional exhaustion comes faster when it is truly meaningful.

So relationships are stronger when they are meaningful, and emotions are stronger when they are more meaningful. But what is meaningful?

I have a test. I ask myself one question to determine what to do...how to react...whether something matters: In the light of eternity what does it matter?

And So Life Goes

The days slip by so fast. And all the while we go about life, dealing with it as it comes and soaking up every piece of joy and providence.

Luke 11:5-13
⁵Then he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, ⁶because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.'

⁷"Then the one inside answers, 'Don't bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up and give you anything.' ⁸I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

⁹"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

¹¹"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? ¹²Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I'm hanging onto this promise like no other.

Major life changes I've made the best of. Financial difficulties I've been through. Illness I constantly deal with. Relationship crises I've handled. But take away my Lord and I'm a goner. If I never again get to experience His presence and work in my life, I think I would never know true joy again. Cut me off from His Holy Spirit, and I'd rather not stick around to see the rest of this life through.

Mark That Off the List

All last summer I spent 6 days a week here:


So when I found out that my roommate had never been in a corn field it was immediately decided that this summer we would go explore and get lost in a cornfield. Tonight, while sitting in the living room, Linda wanted ice cream and my reaction is: let's get ice cream and get lost in a corn field!

So Linda, Bianca, Jami and I dressed in all black and went in search of a suitable field. Around here that doesn't take long so five minutes later we were sprinting across the highway, getting confused between a bean field and a corn field, and finally venturing into the thick foliage.

We spent a while in there - getting lost, scaring each other...and scaring ourselves. In the pitch black sometimes a corn stalk looks like a person.

We ended up on the sidewalk in front of townhouse 405 with McFlurries.

The point here is not that we ran around a corn field and got really itchy (which we did) or that we did something totally unnecessary and a seemingly juvenile (I'll act this way the rest of my life), but that this activity was on our list of things to do this summer and now we can mark it off.

If we don't make time for ridiculous activities, life will take over. If we don't plan to be crazy, our schedule will overtake us. Don't schedule your life down to the hour, but do make lists - lists of things you want to accomplish when you're 21, lists of things for every season, and a list of things you want to do before you are no longer here.

Life is about the moment, the very second you are living in. It's about experiencing that moment to the fullest and never missing the right opportunity.

So join me.

Let's lose track of time, let's make homemade bread, let's go somewhere we haven't been, let's learn to drive a stick shift, let's lay on a blanket outside in the sun, let's get stuck in the rain, let's get lost - get lost in the gift of life.

A Couple Months Together Changes Everything

In this moment, two things strike me as very beautiful.

Women and relationships

I have lived in a house with five other women this summer. We moved in at the very end of May and now we're nearing the end of our time together. Tonight, we sat in our living room together well past the end of any exciting plans or events. We could have and probably should have gone to bed. But instead we talked. We told funny stories about things that happened during the day - acting them out when necessary, being as demonstrative as possible. We shared things that had unfolded over the weekend and this past week. Then we began to unravel some tales from our pasts - things that related to recent events, but told more about us, who we are, where we come from.

As we each took turns sharing important things about ourselves, things that impacted us, we each began to understand the others even better. We each had a turn and we each had the attention of everyone else in the room.

We were all equal. We were all loved. We were all respected. We were all important.

This is the way the world is supposed to look.

This happened without us saying a word about it. We didn't corporately decide "Okay, we're going to sit down and talk forever now, and you have to be vulnerable and you have to listen when other people are talking and pretend like you care." We all love the Lord and we're all trying to grow; therefore, the instincts of our heart told us to do this and we were all united.

This happens a lot. After a weekend away we expect a debriefing. If we don't get one, we ask for one. After work, any funny stories must be shared. After a shared experience we have to hash it out, and replay any funny things and discuss any important things.

None of this is necessary. Hardly any of our communication is vital (no life or death scenarios, no life-changing information we must relay to each other). Some of it is extremely trivial in and of itself.

But we share it because it builds our relationships.
It helps us learn about each other,
which helps us care for each other better.
It brings us joy.

We are women through and through. But we have joy in the way our Maker created us to relate. So I defy anyone to condescend to me and my loved ones. To the men who are unappreciative - who insult:

Don't knock something you don't understand unless you're prepared
to answer to the God of the universe for challenging His design.

Just Like Breathing

Breathing is so effortless. And my heart pumps without me ever acknowledging it. Those two most basic and vital functions are the two I think about the least - the two I put the least amount of effort in.

Tonight I watched a video of an interview with vocalist Aaron Weiss of mewithoutyou. He was talking about forgiveness and mercy - how much we need them, how much God gives them, and how we can ask for them. He said that he wants to make prayers for forgiveness just like breathing - continuous, effortless, and vital. As he breathes every breath, and every time his heart pumps, he wants to send up a prayer for forgiveness that he can receive from God and give to others.

I want my whole relationship with the Lord to be just like that.

I want the first thought in my mind in the morning to be about the Lord.

I want my last words at night to be to Him.

I want my actions to glorify Him.

Even when I'm not actively thinking about Him and His kingdom, I want the background music of my life to be Him.

That film projector of thoughts playing consistently, the one I revert to when I'm not actively processing something else, I want that to be playing the Lord's thoughts and heart.

That's a lot of things I want. And as I begin to process why I want those things (God has been showing me the importance of motives), I am hopeful that He is able to give me completely pure intentions. These desires are strong and tied very much to the joy and love I've experienced lately walking in His light. I'm so hungry for His words of life. I'm so thirsty for the Truth. The more I have, the more I want.

So breathing and my heart pumping are effortless, but this kind of relationship requires a lot of effort. But the thing is, I feel like the joy that it creates in my life makes it more effortless than many other things I have done.

How can I resist a God so Holy? How can I walk away from someone so pure? How can I reject the beautiful restoration He wants to bring about in myself and those around me? This world is filthy, but sometimes I glimpse His beautiful design and I'm overwhelmed.

I've never been so in love with my Lord.

Summer Flames

I smell like bonfire. There's a mixture of smoke and food that makes that aroma unmistakable. A pile of leaves burning is different - more musty. A cigarette...well that's a different story. But a bonfire smells wonderful to me. Not because of it's actual scent, but because of everything it's connected to.

Smells equal memories to me (so do songs, and places, and just about anything, but that's not the point). The point is: I have a lot of wonderful memories tied to bonfires.

One year we camped in my backyard and four of us slept in a one man tent. All night everything smelled like bonfire and all night I kept waking up. I was freezing in my mummy sleeping bag until one of my best childhood friends crawled in with me and we kept each other warm (yes, we spooned. Except at the time it was completely innocent and we didn't even know what that word meant).

During high school, every significant event was marked by my friends coming to my house for a bonfire. Afterward, we would lie under the stars or crash in the cabin. Sometimes we'd take a trip over to the water tower hill where we could be closer to the sky.

The summer before my freshman year in college, me and five of my girl friends took an overnight kayaking trip. We loaded all our gear into four kayaks and a canoe, boated down the river, camped overnight, and finished the trip in the morning. We made meals on that fire - we lived on that fire - and we did it ourselves. We didn't need an adult with us, and we didn't need a guy with us. We took care of ourselves. That's the first time I fully realized I could do life on my own.
Of course, life shook me up a little bit after that and I realized I need my Lord and my family more than I'd like to admit.

Bonfires are good things. Lots of good conversation happens around them. We don't need an agenda, we don't have to be doing something, we don't even have to talk. Just sitting and looking into the flames is enough keep us comfortably occupied, no awkward silence here. The bonfire can bond us.