Adding It Up

I was asking God what to do, like I do a lot of the time. I wanted answers about what decisions to make. I do my best to be faithful to Him and prayerful in everything. So, yet again, I was going throughout my day throwing up prayers and waiting for Him to hit something back to me. I was attentive and ready for His response - we play a nice little game of catch.

But I didn't get an answer right away. Instead, He waited until I was positioned for a real-life scenario lesson.

I'd been having fun all night with friends. But, He'd been tugging on me - asking me to spend time with just Him. And I said I'd do it the next morning or sometime more convenient because right now I was having fun. We were watching a movie. I was busy.

Then one of my good friends came back from time with Him and told me about it. About how He'd blessed her and gotten her attention and hadn't let her go. She joined us for the movie, but only after she'd spent time with the Lord. Again, He said, "Come spend time with me because this movie really isn't that important; this isn't really fellowship; come fellowship with Me."

So I got alone and had some Jesus time. Immediately, He laid it out for me like a puzzle, but not a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, more like a 100 piece kids puzzle with pictures of Disney characters.

He showed me Luke 14:25-35. And He said, "This is your answer."

"Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."

No holds barred. Nothing held back.

And then the He spoke to my heart through His Spirit.

"Lauren, you say you want to know me better - you want to understand my heart. You ask to love me more and love my children more. You say you want to fear me more. You believe I have the Truth and there is no true life without it."

"Yes, Lord. I mean those things."

"What you're really asking is to be my disciple. That's what all this stuff means."

"Yes! You're right 1 + 1 = 2. And I am asking to be Your disciple."

"Well, here is the cost, add it up and understand what it means. Be sure you can pay it - you can give it all."

This is when it gets scary, because the cost is great. Hate my own mother and father? Hate myself? Die to myself...fully - no more pride, jealousy, desires of my sinful flesh. I already knew I had to die to myself and I'd done it in small ways, but now He was giving me some real situations and telling me is was time to play in the major leagues.

*deep breath*

Okay, yes, this is worth it. I've known You too well already to ever turn back. I'm too in love with You to decide You're not worth it. Even the faint shadow of You I'm privileged to experience is enough to tell me - this cost is cheap compared to what You really deserve. I'll give You what I can, if You can use what I have to offer.

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’

“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples."

"I'm serious, Lauren."

"I know, and I am too. Just help me along, okay?"

So for the hundredth time I say "yes." Every little "yes" adds up and makes it possible for Him to bring His kingdom. This time, though, the "yes" has some baggage attached to it - things I know I need to do because I said yes.

“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out"

Then He shows me John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

"No matter where I take you, I am always there. You are not an orphan."

And the brunt force of that statement smacks me in the face, but not like a cold bucket of water, more like a warm, soothing bath of sweet honey, because I realize...I would be an orphan. Because of how much my heavenly Father is to me, I would be an orphan in this world without Him.

"Thank you, Lord, for not leaving me an orphan. Thank you for all the joy you overwhelm me with. Thank you for your peace and comfort. Thank you for your love and holiness."

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

I have ears. I want to hear more.